Nice Girls: Finish First, Not Last … and Get That Corner Office!

As a Leadership Coach, I often work with women in leadership positions who struggle with confidence, resilience and calm composure. Almost every time, we find that they not only need to gain some skills but challenge their thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, assumptions to attain the levels of self-confidence and leadership they desire. Below are several tips that helped the female leaders I worked with to rise up the corporate ladder and get more respect from their leaders and peers. I’m a big fan of Dr. Lois Frankl, author of “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office: Unconscious Mistakes that Women Make that Sabotage Their Careers”, “Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It”, and “Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich.” Many of these ideas are derived from her.

Despite what you mom taught you, women don’t have to act in ways they were taught. You have choices, and are capable of growing into your role as a leader. By providing concrete suggestions for behavioral change, I can help you progress in your career. I help you act more like a woman instead of a girl. But, my solutions to a stalled career are much like a diet. You must fully commit to and apply them consistently before you can see a long-term impact.

Along with identifying all the mistakes women make in their careers, and sharing my coaching tips, you create a personal development plan dedicated to pulling the ideas together. Avoid complexity and choose just one behavior per week on which to focus. This can help you become more aware of your actions, and understand how you sabotage themselves. Once you have replaced your self-defeating behaviors with more effective ones, you will begin to act more like the woman you are capable of becoming and less like the girl you were taught to be.

We focus on the socialization process that has discouraged many women from acting in ways beyond the traditionally determined parameters of society. Women “live a life circumscribed by the expectations of others, and live a limited life. What does it mean to live our lives as girls rather than women? It means we choose behaviors consistent with those that are expected of us rather than those that move us toward fulfillment and self-actualization.

Women often miss opportunities to get the career-improving assignments or promotions because they are reluctant to showcase their capabilities, hesitant to speak at meetings, and working so hard that they forget to build the relationships they need for long-term success.

Right now, the biggest problem that women have in the workplace is that they’re too busy “playing it safe,” feeling that the job situation is so precarious these days that many women are just happy to hang on to their jobs and not make any waves. “But the workplace is like a playing field,” she explains. “Women are comfortable playing in the middle of the field, but it’s on the edges and in the end zones where games are won.”

“Quit being such a girl!” Not that there’s anything wrong with femininity; it’s just that the same rules we were taught for success in kindergarten don’t work for grownups. To be a great citizen, we were told to sit still and be quiet, only speak when spoken to, always defer to others, never disagree, and above all, always be sweet. Those things are ingrained into girls — but it doesn’t work in the business world.

Nice is necessary but it’s not enough. Certain “feminine” traits are essential to women. Women are expected to be strong relationship-builders and to listen to and care about what other people say, more so than men. But that’s not enough. There are other leadership qualities that are very important. Women need to be able to assert themselves.

And that doesn’t mean women should try to act like men. We live in a society where people don’t like men who act like women and women who act like men. We should be comfortable with our own genders.

• Don’t Use Only Your Nickname or First Name: You’ll be much more likely to be taken seriously if you don’t use your childhood nickname for professional purposes. (You’ve never heard people refer to Billie Gates, Jackie Welch or Sammy Walton.)
• Don’t be so Modest: Completely, totally and permanently erase the phrase Oh – it was nothing from your vocabulary. Prominently display awards or plaques.
• Don’t Ask Permission: Inform others of your intentions; don’t ask for permission. By informing others you show respect for their need to know, but without your action being contingent upon their approval.
• Lean into your nurturing, compassion, and relationship skills. Realize that the traditional “command-and-control” style of leadership has become obsolete. Employees no longer respond automatically to power and position. And an authoritarian leadership style often merely causes people to comply on the surface and engage in disruptive behavior behind their leaders’ backs.
• People in all sectors, not just employees, want to be influenced more and commanded less, engaged more and directed less–volunteers, colleagues and even children respond more effectively to leaders who utilize interpersonal skills to motivate and influence them.
• As society shifts to a softer, more people-friendly approach, it’s prime time for women to lead. Top-down leadership no longer works.
• What followers expect from leaders today –– are the behaviors and characteristics that women have been traditionally socialized to exhibit.
• Many women are reluctant to accept leadership positions; most feel that “nice girls” don’t lead.
• Women don’t usually view themselves as leaders and are surprised that they already fill leadership roles. Often, this is because women lead in ways outside what has been traditionally accepted as leadership. For example, a woman who manages a busy household–juggling her family’s school, work and extracurricular activities; organizing community and school volunteer committees; and planning vacations that take into consideration each family member’s interests–has already assumed leadership positions.

• As girls, we were told to sit still and be quiet, only speak when spoken to, always defer to others, never disagree, and always be sweet. But, these rules don’t work in the business world.

• Women are expected to be strong relationship-builders and to listen to and care about what other people say,” more so than men.

• If you work nonstop without a break…worry about offending others and back down too easily…explain too much when asked for information… or “poll” your friends and colleagues before making a decision, chances are you have been bypassed for promotions and ignored when you expressed your ideas. Although you may not be aware of it, girlish behaviors such as these are sabotaging your career!
• Don’t ask permission – inform others of your intentions.
• Keep yourself visible & ask for things like vacation days or spending on projects that are well-funded.

• Review voicemail messages after you leave them to ensure they’re crisp and clear.
• Don’t be afraid to sit at the head of a long or oval table.
• Count to three before answering a question – even if the answer is on the tip of your tongue.
• Avoid phrasing your opinions in the form of questions such as, “Can I add?” or “Do you want to know what I think?”
• Stop waiting to be given what you want. If you don’t ask, you won’t risk hearing no, but you also won’t get what you want.
• Get involved, don’t avoid office politics. Like it or not, politics is how things get done — in the workplace, in government, and in professional organizations.
• Watch how much personal information you share. Sharing personal information isn’t in and of itself a mistake — it’s sharing too much of it that can come back to bite you.
• Stop over-apologizing. Apologizing for unintentional, low-profile, non-egregious errors erodes our self-confidence — and, in turn, the confidence others have in us.
• Avoid serving as the conscience. Weigh the costs of pointing out minor infractions with the consequences and potential retaliation, she says. You may undercut your career if you act as a whistleblower or don’t learn how to “bend the rules” a bit.
• Don’t skip meetings. Give up the idea that they’re interesting, valuable or worth the time. Instead, they’re time to “meet and greet, or play show-and-tell.” Speak up and use meetings to market your brand and insights.
• Stop giving away your ideas. It happens often: A woman suggests an idea and it’s overlooked. Then a man expresses it and it’s golden. Instead, women need to ask a question after they present their idea such as “Are there any objections to immediately getting to work on this?”
• Beware jerks. Women attract jerks more than men do; we also tolerate them longer. Distance yourself from colleagues who behave badly or make work miserable. If it’s your boss, find another job.
• Avoid doing the impossible or pulling off miracles. When women meet impossible deadlines or deliver on a tiny budget, they’re seen as a worker-bee and given more work. Instead, be more realistic and use the extra free time to build relationships that will help you through your career.
• Build relationships. Learn about people’s personal lives and ask about it from time to time. Express your interest in them. Ask them for their expertise. Share a little about your personal life. Just don’t share deep, dark secrets or get too familiar. Avoid over-spill.